windows to the soul

i was supposed to meet this guy about an event on campus, whose venue i had previously secured, but he flaked so i'm now compelled to write.

i have a problem that i want fixed desperately. it's been a problem since my early childhood and still haunts me without abating.

today, as i was strolling across this forlorn campus, i walked past this gorgeous specimen of a man. he seemed kind and possessed a naturally seductive presence. no one else was around us, it was just he and i, so out of courtesy he smiled. i should've smiled back, but i produced no more than a sour countenance and averted his glance as my heart started to race. i'm sure he regretted affording me any display of affinity.

this happens all the time. when i'm around men to whom i'm even slightly attracted, i feel extremely uncomfortable, and this type of egregiously antisocial behavior never fails to emerge. i blame my own homophobia and hyper-sensitivity to how others view me. i fear that my longing, so visceral and uncontrollable, might be detected in my eyes. i fear that the moment his eyes meet mine, he shall be doomed to read my lascivious thoughts.

all this engenders similar behavior at other times. i attempt to exaggerate my affected lack of attraction towards another man by being detached, treating him with aloofness. for this, i'm sure i come off as either incredibly shy or uninterested. either way, making friends is all the more difficult.

i always ask myself ex post facto what's the worst that could happen, anyway? who cares if i communicate my lustful desires via my eyes. hey, if i'm unusually lucky those feelings might be mutual, and imagine how great that would be! but such reasoning can't penetrate this weathered yet thick shield of paranoia and self-consciousness.